I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
