Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
