well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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