i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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