It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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