I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
