i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
So many bounce houses so little time
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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