Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize