It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
