what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Randomize
