I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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