found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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