Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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