Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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