I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
