so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
