so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
