If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
