If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
