Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Randomize
