Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize