after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
