I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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