Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
