Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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