I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
