my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
