Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Enjoy the penises
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
