We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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