And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
