i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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