i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
i believe in u and ur pee
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
