Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
