HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
