i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
