He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
