remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
