So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
