I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
