I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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