she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
