I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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