We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
