it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
