I think my fart just growled at me.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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