Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
