I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
