speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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