Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
