I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
