But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
