when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
