Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
why do cheetos always look like penises
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
