well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
