Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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