I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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