it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Randomize
