After last night, I could never be a politician.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
