If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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