The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
