The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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