i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
