God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
