nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I don't deserve a penis
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
His nipple licking is glorious
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