at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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