Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
