do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
