I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
