please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
