Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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