Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
