my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
