i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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